Sunday, 2 February 2014

The Fat girl in my head calls it body shaming!

I am still a "Fat" person in my head!

This is a slightly odd post but for some reason I felt the need to write something about it.  Most of you will know that I have lost 9 stone 1 pound on WeightWatchers.  It took 5 years with 2 babies inbetween.  It was a long process.  I am now officially 2 years at goal this week. 

At the beginning of my journey, I had anticipated that once I reached my goal, I would be free of food demons, free from being body conscious and have the ability to think like I had always been Skinny. 

It would be a release of my trapped Fat girl thinking.  This as it turns out, is the more difficult challenge that I have had. 

I use the word Fat because, lets face it, when people want to insult us or describe us over weight people, they never say "that obese person"  they say the Fat one, lovely face but very fat!  Maybe this is just my experience.  Therefore the relationship that I have with the word Fat is not just in the past tense.  

For more years than I have been at goal, this word has been used directly about me and to me.  It was a word that most people could relate to me and use to describe who and what I was. 

However, I used to think that the word was for other people to use, but now I see how much I acted out the word in my daily life all the time. 

Looking at clothes, I started at the back of the rail and never looked any further than half way, because, frankly, what was the point in looking at the front?  I parked as close to the door of the place I was going to that was human and legally possible.  The seat belts on airplanes scared the living wits out of me and I would never ask for an extender, I would suck it in until it fit and then I would not remove it until I was getting off the plane for fear that I would not get it back on. 

Guilt played a huge roll in this, if I did well, I ate, If I did bad, I ate, if I felt crap I ate, If I tried to "diet" and slipped up, I ate.  I felt guilty because I knew that I should be doing something but I wasn't.  

I didn't know where or how to start and was there any point when I was the size that I was? 

Recently I was watching Operation Transformation and I have to say, I was annoyed.  Don't get me wrong, I think it's a brilliant program, the panel are experts in their field, no doubt, and they make losing weight accessible to everyone. 

However, the outfits that the leaders wear.  I know, you sign up for this show and you know that you have to wear the outfit.  For me, I would never have done this because of the outfit.  My body was not for public viewing in my head, saying that I think all of the leaders look really well in them and are very brave because they are there in the show because they don't like the weight they are and how they look. 

Secondly one of the leaders lost a colossal amount of weight, something like 10 pounds and one of the panel let her have it about her not following the plan because she didn't have time and does she really want this. 

Bad Claire comes out here, had that have been said to me while I was at my heaviest, while I was wearing that outfit on national television, I would have sat on her, literally.  No, I'm not aggressive, normally, but I would have been humiliated to the point that I either cry or sat on her. 

This woman knows her life is hectic and is trying to find a way to get fit that fits into her life.  Now I know that in order to lose weight and keep the weight off you must change your lifestyle but this woman knows that and is looking for a way to do that while keeping her home and family together. 

It's a 6 week show that is about transforming people and people and viewers need to see results to spur them on, I get that, but part of me feels that the panel somehow think that Body Shaming and Fat shaming is a useful tool to motivate us to lose the weight! 

Body shaming never motivated me at all.  I'd say that it had the complete opposite effect.  I already knew that I was obese without someone else telling me this.  In fact, I would say that the most horrible things that was ever thought about or said about me, came from my own mouth.  To have an outsider confirm this with their own rendition, just made me feel that I was beyond help, because the help I needed was more than just somebody weighing me, it was for someone to show me the way, educate me, encourage me and to highlight that everyday brought a new fresh start. 

I had this conversation with a friend about what I thought of the show and they couldn't understand why I felt that way when I was "skinny" now, this person felt that I was still Fat in my head?

This is true to the extent that I still think of how words can feel when said to someone, I still watch OT with utter hope that the Leaders all do well and achieve their personal goals and learn how to keep the changes, but I also feel it when I think that body shaming is being used. 

I was ashamed of my body, not just because of it's size and appearance but because of what that size and appearance represented in my head.  It represented someone who took little pride in their body or health,  a person who gave up without trying to make a change.  It also represented someone who loved to overindulge and eat and make bad choices. 

That's the censored version of what I felt in my head about myself. 

This really is not to take away the credit from the show at all because I'm sure that all of the Leader who were previously on the show did manage to get to goal or maintain their weight loss.  

I think I just needed to say that I feel it is the wrong tactic to use on someone who admittedly knows that they have a problem. 

This month is a real breaker for people who started their weight loss journey from the New Year.  If your going to continue this month with losing weight, you need to realise that you can do this and not because you should to fit in with someone else's idea of healthy but because you have the power in you to do this. 

You determine your own future, others can interfere if you let them but you need to remember why you started WeightWatchers and that desire hasn't changed.  

Stay strong and imagine what your life could be like a year from now if you stay on this path of weight loss?  

Now imagine it if you go off track?  

Enjoy the Niptuck way, so you don't have to!

1 comment:

  1. I'm still on my ww journey but boy do I understand this post!! I won't watch OT for this very reason, encourage and guide, theres no need to berate people! Lord knows we do that enough to ourselves. Keep up the good work, your an inspiration. :D