I have an eating disorder

I automatically assume that when people talk about eating disorders, they are talking about bulimia, anorexia etc.  In my head, this was tiny people not willing to eat.  

However, I do have a problem with food.  Everyday I wake up and I have to try to eat healthy, I have to try to make good choices.  That is not an eating disorder.  What I am talking about is my destructive button. 

 

Just stop eating crap, was the general consensus as the treatment to lose weight, as a general public image.  Obesity is not generally placed in the same category. Eating disorders talk about control, body image, low self esteem, being trapped in a cycle, the disorder becoming your comfort zone, being highly sensitive to other peoples perception of you, having obsessive behaviors and mood swings. 

I suffered and still do with all of these, maybe not all to the same degree. 

If it makes sense, I would eat and I had my normal unhealthy eating habits, then it would step up a notch or rather I would binge for no reason sometimes, but I knew I wasn't hungry, I would get annoyed with myself and then repeat the process, because I was so out of control but I could control my out of controlness.  This is my own word.  My relationship with food was not just one of enjoyed and relaxation or nutrition, it was my controller, my dictator, my ruler. 

This was not just because I loved food, which clearly I do and I get great enjoyment from it, but for me, food was also my weapon, my social regime. 

I suppose if your going to have any form of disorder, at least it's the most socially accepted disorder.  Not because it is understood, but because it is visible, it's everywhere.  People of all shapes and sizes are every where that we go, but shopping centres, tv adverts, general marketing, all focus heavily on food and indulgent food.  Our work canteens, hospital canteens, deli's, pubs, you name it, unhealthy food is in abundance. 

Now my weight gain was not solely due to the destruction mode of me.  Some of it was a lack of food education, not having an interest or more to the point covertly, removing myself from people who were conscious because I felt that the focus was then on my weight issue. 

Now not everyone who attends Weight Watchers will have these issues, for some, it's getting the excess baby weight off, nipping the middle age spread in the bud, some just need to reintroduce themselves into healthy eating habits. 

I am talking about my own experience here and maybe to those that are "Morbidly Obese" which I was.  

The cycle of obesity for me, was a stage of mental struggle.  I was extremely aware of myself, but I did like myself and enjoyed myself.  However, the initial fear of trying to change my ways was at time overwhelming. 

On top of this, I was ashamed that my weakness was so obvious.  There was no hiding my size.  

Change was slow, very slow and at the start it was a military operation but then my self destruct button would kick in, then, I felt I had failed and that cycle started off again as if I had never been out of the cycle. 

Obesity is not as simple as seeing a dietitian, been giving the healthy eating plan and just moving on.  That would be the miracle.  Most dietitians that I have ever seen are very thin, with little understanding that eating is more than just the food your consume.  The struggle is real.  We may not look weak because of our size but that does not mean we are strong.   A complete generalization of dietitians, this is my own perception, I would like to add.  

When I started Weight Watchers I remember my leader saying that a weight problem was 80% in the mind and 20% in what we eat.  I laughed and thought, yea 80% of the time, I am thinking about food or eating it, 20% Im sleeping.  These words were true.  

I did not get to goal because I just learned about the food.  I could have over complicated the plan just so that I had an excuse to give up.  Instead, I listened to myself about why I was eating.  I'm not talking about the 3 meals per day, I'm talking about falling off the wagon and getting run over by and then it reversing over me.  At those times I started to listen.  

The truth was, food was in a sense, my addiction.  All food, and I used it to suit whatever need I had at the time. 

The ultimate happy picture in my head, was a skinny Claire, that was goal, that was what happy people had, carefree perfect lives wrapped up in a skinny body. 

This is not a transformation, that transformation was in my mind set.  I started to see that, being healthy was happy.  Healthy meaning looking and feeling healthy.  

The transformation was ridding myself of my toxic thoughts.  They are still there, but I try to keep them at bay.  I remember that a thought is not fact.  It is our perception which it not actual reality. 

If you think this is heavy reading, which it is, think about what happens when you eat and if you can relate to any of this, let me know.  Be brave, take the leap and when failure happens, move on.  Jump out of the cycle, it's not that interesting when you travel your entire life in circles. 

It would be nice to know if others feel like this. 

Enjoy the Niptuck way, so you don't have to!