I have got to tell you that this year has been the hardest year of my life so far. I don't know why but it really has been difficult and there has been a lot of growing up.
When it comes to sins, I have many, many which I really enjoy but the more I seem to like my bad habits, the badder the habits seem to be for me.
7 years ago, I joined WeightWatchers and embarked on losing the 9 stone 1 pound that I needed to lose. 5 years later I achieved it.
In July of this year, I gave up drinking Pepsi Max and fizzy drinks.
Now losing the weight made a huge difference to my life, it was very slow but substantial differences were had in my life.
I gave up Pepsi Max and I will be honest, absolutely no difference was made to my life and I feel no different, but because I am such a stubborn person I wont go back on it.
Then this Sunday, I gave up smoking. I am a smoker 21 years and before anyone tells me how well I will feel, there will be no tabacco smell off me and so, let me express myself clearly.
I never have minded the smell of tabacco. That is like saying to some one who wears Jean Paul Gautier perfume that you don't like the smell of their perfume, well, the other person is wearing it and they obviously like it. Yea, it's really like that, we don't get why people would say that to us, in an attempt to tell us that we smell bad, as oppose to someone who is wearing some god awful perfume that catches your breath. Yep, it's just plain rude, keep the remarks to yourself.
Now here is the second one, "have you ever seen those ads where they dissect the lungs of a smoker?
Really, you want me to give up something that I really enjoy so that I have prettier lungs when I die?
and die I will, I mean the only thing that I am sure of in life is that it will end at some point. I will not life forever. I will not turn into Lord Voldemort "Master of Death" because I have given up my 3 Deathly Hallows weakness.
Now here is what I cannot grapple with, when I joined Weight Watchers it was so that I could shop in any shop that I wanted to and so that I could feel better in myself and not have to worry about what anyone else thought of my.
Pepsi Max was something that I have wanted to do to feel grown up and to have more of variety.
Now with smoking, I'm in the phase of dense fog, no I cannot see the wood for the trees, I don't know how or what type of difference it will make to my life bar the money and to be honest I really miss it.
Yesterday I wanted one so badly that while listening to the radio and they were talking about the water charges and I realised that had any one have heard what I was shouting at the radio that yes I would have been arrested and then I thought that if I was arrested and sent to prison, sure couldn't I smoke anywhere I liked and not have goodie two shoes sticking their nose up in the air.
So I signed up to Quit.ie it's run by the HSE and it's a helpline and interactive thing. The girl I got is adorable, so lovely and really does have time for me, but she never smoked a day in her life. She hasn't told me this and I never asked her, but how do I know, well, she asked how I felt and I gave her a rough guide to how I was feeling and she read from a script how I will be much more likely to stay off them if I feel this way.
Please remember that what I had told her was that I felt like ripping my face off and going to smokey heaven with a Pepsi in one hand, no diet crap with a big smokey smoke, Im in heaven, dead already and you ain't judged in Gods house because surely god has the space to facilitate smokers and non smokers?
It has the same effect of a person going to an AA meeting and it been run by Legion of Mary who never broke their pledge!
So, as you can tell, Im pretty cool and calm about the whole giving up smoking thing. Then to top it off, I got put on medication and last week because I am sick and I have gained 8 pound in 1 week. I cod you not.
Now I will gladly do the time for crimes that I have committed but when your up more than the average birth weight of a baby from buying the fruit bags in McDonald's while the other people with you melt into a big mac, then I get pretty agitated.
Then I thought that really, I would rather be a smoker for the rest of my days than put the weight back on me. There are some mental tortures that Im not prepared to go through again and then this comes into my email.
Is this something out of the Twilght Zone and by Twilight I mean crazy weird stuff? Does this mean that the battle is as great as the weight loss battle that I have and still have.
I mean this, I would rather go back on the smokes anyday than gain that weight back. If I had to choose a sacrifice, it would be my pretty lungs that I would sacrifice, rather than be a size 28 from Evans again.
Now as if I was not doing enough, to try to counter act the smokes and for distraction, I am trying to run, well jog, I would like to jog without thinking that my breathing sounds like something out of the climax of a porn film, when in actuality it's because I ran from one lampost to the next.
So here is my plan. I want to jog/walk the Aware 5k in Park on the 13th December, and still be smoke free and the same weight. That all depends and whether I am not locked up in Mount Joy smoking my ugly lungs into oblivion.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Don't preach, I mean it, but if you have tips please pass them on.
Enjoy the Niptuck way, so you don't have to!